Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Lady

U.S. Comedian Steve Harvey has a best selling book out now, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". The book has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Show and is a runaway hit. I haven't read it myself but saw Harvey's interview with Oprah. On the show, Harvey tells women what men want, how men think, and how to know where women stand with the men they are going out with.

Serial Monogamy

I take exception to one bit of advice Harvey gave while he was on Oprah. He recommended that a woman wait at least 90 days before making love with a new boyfriend.

Will a 90-day waiting period really protect a woman from getting a broken heart? Call me cynical but I don't think it will. I remember dating a guy for quite a while before giving in to his sexual advances and he still rejected me afterwards. In retrospect, I realize that I ignored all the signals that indicated his unworthiness, not to mention his unlikeliness to commit.

On Oprah, Harvey raised an eyebrow to a female caller brought up the topic of abstinence before marriage. He said he doesn't know anyone who waits for marriage. In the light of that fact, his advice is that a woman should observe her new guy for ninety days and if he proves to be a stable, responsible, suitable gentleman, she has the green light for sex.

But my response to that is, what if he is sleeping with someone else while you put him through your 90-day withholding period?

A former coworker told me that she withheld sex for a long time from the man who eventually became her husband. She said it was easier for her to be abstinent at that time because she was still a virgin. He dated her and maintained their relationship, but when it came to sex, he was finding it elsewhere and she knew that. Eventually she gave him her virginity and later married him because she had given in. (Prior to having sex and getting married, she had made a rule for herself that she would either wait for marriage to have sex, and if she did not wait, she would marry the guy to whom she had given her virginity. She made the marriage happen. But after some years, it went sour with infidelity on his part first, then on hers. I've lost touch with her and don't know what became of their marriage).

Because of her story, I am sure that if a man likes you but won't wait for sex, he can find it elsewhere while you have him on hold.

Adult Abstinence

As a person with religious convictions, I believe in adult abstinence but I take Harvey's point that few wait. I have struggled and failed to practise it myself. I sometimes wonder where, in this day and age, will I find a man who is willing to date me and still wait until marriage. And if there are a few men out there who are willing to wait, what will be left for the women are not lucky enough to marry one of those premaritally abstinent men?

Sisters

Harvey said that the main reason men cheat on their wives is because they can always find someone to cheat with. I agree. When a woman sleeps another woman's husband, she does a disservice to all women.

Church

I hope to find a decent man in the church, but men don't come to church and don't want (or have) to be abstinent in the current climate. So where do we find faithful husbands? Right now, I'm being abstinent because I am so tired of being hurt. Tired of giving heart and body to a new lover and then having the relationship fail.

I am a mother of one. I dated my daughter's father for five and a half months without sleeping with him. We were church goers and we were trying to do the right thing. However, the abstinence didn't last. When we had sex, silly me, it was unprotected. I got pregnant and he left me. Even though I was 33 years old and employed, I was devastated. But I kept my baby. Even though I kicked myself for becoming yet another unwed mother, I took pride in my child. I have mothered her for three years now. She will be four years old in October 2009. I look at her proudly and I think, look at what I have done. Look how big she is now. Look at her. I did that.

What now?

Do I trust another man with my body? Do I take another chance with yet another man hope that he won't leave too? How many men does a woman sleep with before she meets the one she will marry?

If you opt to not be sexually active before marriage, you will be thought of as odd, even pathetic, in this society. But it is better than being hurt, I think.